Last night, my world changed. It changed with 2 lines. 2 lines, crossed over eachother on a little stick.
Dal and I have been married for 2 years and 10 months. I graduated from BYU in December. We have always, always wanted to have a baby... but decided it was best for us to wait until I was done and Dal had a stable job, and headway in his education career as well. So, the time came that we felt ready just a couple months ago. We were anxious and ready to switch to baby mode right away. But as soon as we were ready, things changed. I had to start going to the doctor to investigate a possible prolactin issue, which was causing my period (which has been regular down to the day since I was 12) to disappear. I was frustrated and upset and sad and confused and scared. The words "tumor" came up and I was terrified. This is a fear I've had since I was a little girl, a fear I'm sure many women have.... not being able to bear children. Other women who have had hiccuups in the conception process I'm sure can relate to the feelings of fear, doubting self-worth, insecurity, loss, and confusion.
The hardest part was that there were no clear answers... did I have an issue? or not? The answer always seemed to be: Wait. Wait another month. Wait a few more weeks. Then we'll know for sure. It was draining... And I completely recognize my waiting time was no where near the pain of the years many women endure, but I can tell you that though the time was relatively short, the pain was real and tangible.
I'm not sure what the issue was. I'm not sure why the Lord had a wait a few more months than planned. I'm sure there is a reason, a learning opportunity, a trial of faith. And if anything, I've learned about the power of fasting, of prayer, of staying close to my husband and bearing pains and burdens together, about the strength of the temple and of family and loved ones. I felt all of that in my little window of waiting.
I was supposed to have my period first week of June. And, as I expected, it didn't come. Another dagger to the heart. Another sign that something was wrong and the problem I had no answers about, was still there. I planned to call my doctors again and report the same news as the months before and schedule the next set of tests. To please them and remove other possibilities, I asked my husband last night to stop at the store and grab a couple pregnancy tests-- just so I could tell my doctor that once again, the test was negative, and my period was still gone.
Last night, my husband and I were just hanging out. Getting various things done around the house... Dal had picked up Father's Day Cards for our Dads and was sitting at the kitchen table, writing notes in them. I had to go to the bathroom so I took a test with me and went in. I had no expectations. The test was a formality, really. I peed on the stick. Casually, I picked it up and glanced at it before setting it back down to wash my hands. WAIT, what was that? I hadn't seen that symbol before. Second glance. 1 line. 2 lines. WHAT? My heart instantly began pounding and my breath became rapid and tears filled my eyes. I stared at the test and looked rapidly back and forth between the results and the key. 2 lines. Pregnant. 2 lines. Pregnant. 2 lines. Pregnant.
I could not believe it. I was not expecting this at all. I could hear Dal moving outside the bathroom, and I had to make a plan and quick. I shoved the cap back on the test, and hid it in my pocket. I wiped my eyes and took deep breaths. I have to slow down my heartbeat... If Dal touches me, he'll know. More composed, I stepped out of the bathroom and went to our bedroom, whistling (as if that would make me seem more normal and nonchalant... don't know why I thought to do this, I never whistle).
I made it to the bedroom and quickly threw the test into my purse. I had an idea for how to tell Dal. I would go to the store, pick up another Father's Day card-- this time, addressed to him. I just had to find an excuse to go to the store. I moved to the office, looking around at my desk and toiletries-- what can I use as an excuse to go to the store? I spotted my empty bottle of contact solution and had my excuse! But, I remembered, Dal stocked up on contact solution and bought a mega bottle of it at Costco. I went to the closet and pulled out the giant bottle, and hid it in our laundry hamper. Then I yelled to Dal, "Dal I have to go to the store, I'm out of contact solution." As I suspected, he heroically jumped up and marched to the rescue, reminding me that he is always prepared and had another bottle for me. He looked in the place it should have been and saw that it wasn't there. Confused, he agreed that I should go to the store. Phew.
In the store, I felt like I was floating. I don't really even remember walking down the aisles to where the cards were. I was shaking and half crying and smiling and laughing, all at once. I looked crazy, I'm sure. I picked a simple card, "Happy Father's Day, Husband!" and wrote a sweet note inside. The whole way home I was so, so nervous. Nervous and excited and I just couldn't wait to hug Dal.
I walked through the door and heard him get up from a chair in the living room. I threw the empty bottle of contact solution into my grocery bag, just so it looked like I bought one. Dal immediately looked at the bag and said, confused, "You bought another card?" I smiled and said "I found another one... it was really cute.... Just look at it and see who you think we should give it to." Dal hates writing in cards and he had just finished writing in the others. So at this point, he was quite annoyed. I just laughed inside. I handed him the envelope and tried to act casual, but I could feel tears welling up in my eyes already. He took the card out of the envelope and read the front. He looked confused at first, but then looked up with tears in his eyes and said, "Are you serious?"
Happiness. Excitement. Tears and tears and tears. It was one of my favorite, favorite moments with my best friend. Hugging and crying and laughing and so, so scared at the same time. We're going to be parents? Is this for real?
We both felt so grateful and happy. Neither of us saw it coming and it was the best surprise we've ever had. The rest of the night, Dal kept lovingly calling me his "Baby Mama," and I just felt so good looking at him and picturing him as a daddy. I know he'll be the best. We sat on the couch and tried to figure out when I'll be due... but we really have no idea how far along I am at this point. Could be 2-6 weeks. We'll see. :)
So today is Day 1. Day 1 of knowing that our sweet little precious babe is growing inside me. Day 1 of feeling that a women's body is truly a place where Heaven meets Earth. Day 1 of feeling the weight and fear of the responsibility of growing a human and being a parent. (That is serious stuff, right?) Day 1 of preparing, stocking up on diapers, planning the next 9 months. Day 1 of scheduling doctor's appointments. Day 1 of crying tears of joy and relief and hope. Day 1 of starting this journey as a MOM.
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