**I wrote the below post on 1/26/17 and planned on publishing it in the evening that day. However, things took a very different turn that day and I ended up being admitted to have my baby. It's been a whirlwind 2 weeks since... and I promise that stories of the labor, delivery, NICU, and life since Grayson are coming. But I wanted to share this post, still, to remember down the road.
My heart has been so full, especially these past few weeks. I had the opportunity to share our "story" of trying to get pregnant, being fearful that we couldn't, and then being blessed with this baby boy, at my baby shower this past week. I found myself overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for His ever-present hand in this whole process. Though there were times when I doubted and worried and wondered if He was listening... I know He was, and I know He had the perfect plan for our little family. I feel so blessed to have this little added perspective because of our individual journey in starting a family.
There are moments throughout the day when I stare at my belly and see the little kicks and I am just in awe... just in total amazement and humility, that Heavenly Father trusts me & Dal enough to have sent this angel to us. I know I don't deserve this baby boy. But that's how Heavenly Father works... when we seek Him and His hand and His will, He blesses us with more than we can receive, with more than we could fathom, with more than our hearts can hold. This baby, more than anything else in my life, has taught me about the love my Heavenly Father has for me.
I wrote this little letter/poem for our boy a couple of months ago... and the sentiment it expresses holds true today... especially with his arrival getting so close. <3
October 26, 2016
A Letter to my Boy
I've dreamt of you,
sweet boy,
for as long
as I can remember.
I've heard
people ask my mom if I'm ready to have a baby,
and she
tells them I've been ready since the age of 12.
For the past
ten years, I've sat and imagined
your
fingers, your toes.
I've
wondered if you'll have my eyes,
my curls, my
freckles.
What parts
of myself will I see in you?
And what
parts will be brand new, unmistakably you?
These
daydreams started long before I heard your heartbeat,
before the
test read "positive", before I even knew your daddy.
When the
time came that I fell in love,
and your
daddy and I got married,
those dreams
grew stronger...
And your
daddy and I started to dream those dreams together.
But I
waited. We waited.
We worked
hard to make sure we were ready to meet you,
to bring you
into a safe and stable home.
The waiting
wasn't easy. Waiting never is.
We kept busy
with school and work, friends and family
But all that
time, I felt a hole in my life.
I filled
that hole the best way I could -
dreaming of
you and who you might be
Would you be
a leader? Would you be a true friend?
Would you be
soft and sweet? Would you be bold and brave?
I imagined
you, a million different ways.
And when the
time came that we had met our goals
and we felt
ready to bring you into our home,
God told us
He had a different plan for us.
And that for
a while longer, we'd have to wait.
I felt
scared, I felt angry.
I felt sad,
I felt incomplete.
I longed for
you.
I worried my
dreams of you would forever just be dreams.
Being a mother
was entwined with my identity, my heart.
I doubted my
worth. I questioned my purpose.
Your daddy and i, we prayed for
you.
We fasted for you. Cried over you.
Talked about you.
We prayed and prayed and prayed.
We chased our little dream, even
when it felt out of reach.
There were
days where the pain was almost unbearable,
And I felt
lost and confused and broken...
But,
sometimes, there is beauty in waiting.
Sometimes
there is beauty in being broken.
Your daddy
and I learned about patience,
about the
agony of delayed blessings.
We learned
about each other, and how to endure together.
We learned
about faith, and hope, and Jesus.
I learned
about myself, and my worth as a daughter of God.
And after our
time of waiting, God answered our prayers.
And
unexpectedly, we found out you were being sent to us.
And from the
moment I saw those 2 little lines on a white and purple stick,
I have felt
the magnificent weight of being your mother.
I have loved
you, prayed for your health, your happiness.
I've spent
hours feeling you kick and grow and move.
I've studied
the ultrasound photos of you,
And tried to
imagine your face.
I've worried
for your future,
I've dreamt
of your success
I've fussed
over what you will wear,
what toys
you will have,
what we will
call you.
I've
obsessed over your hiccups, your stretches, your somersaults
I've stared
at my stomach, watching you move and explore and experience this new body
you've been given.
All the
while, dreaming of the day
when I'd
finally meet you, face to face,
And hold you
in my arms.
You are my
dream, sweet boy.
You have
brought me hope, given me love,
taught me to
trust in the Lord,
to cherish
your daddy.
You've
taught me the sanctity of life,
the sweet
innocence of youth.
You've given
me purpose,
And truly
given me a piece of Heaven on earth.
...and I
haven't even met you yet.
I still
dream about you,
and all that
you'll be.
I still
wonder if you'll have my big eyes,
or my
"Knudsen nose."
I wonder,
too, what parts of your darling daddy you'll have--
his olive
skin,
his thick,
dark hair,
his golden
eyes...
But most of
all, I wonder what your heart and your mind will be like--
What
curiosity and wonder will you bring to the world?
What
generosity, what passions, what fears you will have?
What will
your dreams be?
Above all,
sweet boy, I hope you dream big.
I hope you
love with arms wide open .
I hope you
are soft, even when the world tells you you must be hard.
I hope you
are brave in the face of challenge that will inevitably come.
I hope you
are bold when you need to be.
I hope you
create... and discover the artist inside of you.
I hope you
are kind to the lonely, the hurt, the different.
I hope you
are patient with your daddy and I. We're learning, too.
I hope you
know where you came from, and whose you
are.
I hope you
always remember that you were heaven-sent, a literal child of God.
I hope that
despite the darkness of the world, you maintain your light... and live close to
your Heavenly Father.
I hope you
look for the good - the beauty in ashes, the mercy in trials, the love in
adversity.
And, sweet
boy of mine, I hope you live. Fully, fiercely, faithfully, live.
I can only
dream of who you'll be,
and what my
life will be with you in it.
I pray the
Lord will bless me with His eyes to see
all the
grace and beauty and joy that you are.
-Your Mama
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