THIS IS REAL LIFE.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Week 8:

Symptoms:

• More nausea (actually threw up for the first time)
•  More fatigue (and thus, more naps)
• More sore boobs (and surprising, new, never-before-seen cleavage... this is totally new for an A-cup girl)

Cravings:  Mac 'N' Cheese, Mashed Potatoes, Chicken Alfredo, Filet Mignon (all on different days)

I had my first experience throwing up in a Zion's Bank bathroom, which was rather delightful. They have lovely tile floors and (thank goodness) all of their toilet paper was fully stocked. I had to rush out of a ribbon cutting for work, clutching my stomach to find a bathroom. I think the major issue was just that I had gone too long without eating. I'm still getting used to this backwards sickness/eating thing of being pregnant-- the whole concept that if I'm not feeling well, i need to eat more, not starve myself.

I've joked with Dal that lately I feel like all I do is eat and sleep. (And work! My mom reminds me) I've enjoyed many a nap and I've actually gotten tired of eating (more accurately, of trying to find something to eat) I've rediscovered my love for baked potatoes. I've downed an entire box of saltines in a week, and I've found popsicles to be a great snack for the evenings.

My pants can often be found unbuttoned and being held loosely together by a hair tie. And the hormones raging through my body are doing a real number to my skin.

I'm pregnant. I can feel it and I find it funny that any odd feeling or symptom I have ... I look it up and yup, "This is normal in pregnancy." It figures. This really is a crazy ride, I feel it now guys.

But I am still so excited and lately all I can think about it breaking the news to more friends and family.

IS THIS REAL LIFE?

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Week 7:

Symptoms:

• Nausea (seems the worst when I first wake up...usually gets better when i eat something)
• Headaches (nothing too severe)
• Fatigue (I've been napping pretty much everyday. Which is nice, but also makes me feel super lazy)
• Sore breasts (the soreness has seemed to move over different areas... they better be growing after all of this ;)!)

This week I had my first & second Dr's appointments. The first was on Monday, the 27. I went in to have a preliminary pelvic exam, blood testing, and to help figure out my dates. When I was checking in, the nurse asked me what the last day of my last period was and I said, "um... December." Her eyes widened and she said, "Wow! You're pretty far along! You look amazing!" I laughed and explained that we didn't know my dates, but it definitely was not back in December. 

The doctor first had me pee in a cup to test and make sure everything was normal. As I was waiting for the doctor to come back in the room, I had this irrational fear that the doctor would come in and inform me that "I'm so sorry. I don't know where you got the idea that you're pregnant, but you're not." How dumb is that? I kept questioning my own sanity and grasp of reality. Thankfully, of course, she came back and confirmed the pregnancy and said everything seemed normal. Same results with the other tests they did. She gave me various tips on what to do and what not to do... No deli meat... no seafood (no problem there)... absolutely no ibuprofen... contrary to some girl's fears, sex is totally fine...exercise is fine too. And we scheduled an early ultrasound to be able to measure the baby and see how far along I was. For Wednesday. Two days. Phew. I can do this. 

Well, today is Wednesday, and today I went in for my first ever baby-ultrasound. I was so nervous. Again. Again with the irrational fear that she wouldn't be able to find a baby and tell me that I was not pregnant. (strange that my fear wasn't of miscarriage but of no pregnancy at all?)

I am amazed at ultrasound techs and how the heck they can navigate the black and white fuziness of my insides. Like seriously, how can you tell the difference between this dot and that dot? This circle and that slightly less round circle? She measured my uterus, bladder, ovaries, and some other parts I don't remember. I anxiously kept thinking....Okay, okay, now where is the baby?! And then, she smiled and paused and let out a sigh. "There it is," she said. "There's your little baby." I frantically asked for her to point, circle, and highlight the little baby blob on the screen.  Wow. There really is a baby inside me. A tiny little bean. A teeny little 0.78 cm human. 

I immediately got butterflies and felt this strange sense of pride and humility all at once. This was my child. A real, perfect little offspring of my sweetheart and mine. And at the same time, here's a child! A real, perfect little human waiting to be loved and cared for and taught and nurtured by 2 really, really imperfect, but really, really excited almost parents. Is this for real? I can't believe I've been entrusted with this tiny little bean, this sweet little human to love and to grow. This is the biggest, most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me, and it was a prayed-for, fasted-for, waited-for choice between my best friend and me. 

And then, the ultrasound tech looked at me and said, "Are you ready for this part?" and she pushed a little button on her keyboard. And then I heard the sweetest, cutest noise... a quick, airy, but real, and strong little heartbeat. Our baby's little heartbeat. 

I couldn't quite hold it together at that point and the tears swelled in my eyes. I think I kept saying over and over "This is amazing." And it truly is. At 7 weeks along (closer to 5 weeks after conception), my little baby has a beating heart and life running through it. I saw it, I heard it, and I can never deny that. The second I saw that little blob and heard that little beat, I knew it is my child that I will love and cherish forever. And though I don't completly know how it all works, I know there's a sweet little spirit in heaven or on earth, or maybe floating between both, waiting for it's little body to grow and depending on me to help it along. I can feel the mantel of motherhood already, and I feel so blessed.

SHARING OUR SECRET

Monday, June 27, 2016

I'm writing this post a little delayed... but last week, we told our parents the good news. And each experience was sweet & special & magical to be able to share this precious little secret with a few of our favorite people.

We told my parents after going to dinner with them and on our way to see "Finding Dory" at Thanksgiving Point. I was so nervous (why!?) and my heart kept pounding out of my chest. I had asked my sister-in-law, Krista, to help with the surprise. So as we started walking to the theatre, I asked the group if we could take a picture together first. Of course, my parents immediately volunteered to be the ones to take the picture, but Krista adamantly insisted she would be glad to take the picture. My parents of course then started looking around for a kind stranger to take the picture for all of us, but thankfully, there was no one around. We crowded together and put on smiles for the picture. Krista was secretly taking a video rather than a picture and said, "Okay, everyone ready? Say, 'Kali's pregnant!'" It's funny to watch the video back now, because it only took a few seconds, but at the time felt like an eternity before my parents finally got it. My dad chuckled and my mom jokingly said, "Kali's pregnant." Then they both looked down the row to Dal and I with raised eyebrows and a quizzical look. I was already in tears and nodded my head. My mom immediately wrapped me in a giant hug and we both cried together. It was another moment to add to my list of favorites. <3 The rest of the evening I hurriedly updated them on everything I'd been feeling and experiencing.

We told Dal's Dad and Step-Mom one evening after accompanying them to the Outlet Mall and awkwardly trying to act normal throughout the excursion. On the way home, Dal admitted that we had come to talk to them about something. We excitedly broke the news and all cheered together.

We told Dal's Mom and Step-Dad one morning after we repeatedly texted them that we missed them and should FaceTime (we lost our subtle approach on this one, but we were too anxious, okay!?) The FaceTime call started and we tried to act normal for the first 30 seconds, but Dal's mom quickly interrupted - "Are you guys gonna tell us you're pregnant or what?!" We laughed and smiled and shared in the joy together. And Dal's mom of course began planning when to send various boxes of clothes and shoes and other baby items our way.

Dal and I chatted earlier and both agreed that a baby is such a sweet, wonderful, beautiful miracle. Everyone who hears the news is instantly given a share of the joy. Isn't that just cool?

DON'T SPILL THE BEANS!

Sunday, June 19, 2016

It's Sunday evening and Day 4 since learning that I'm pregnant. The last few days I spent in Wyoming at a cabin with my Mom, Dad, Braden, Aunt, Grandma, and cousins. I could not anticipate how difficult it would be to not tell everyone the news. I was tempted probably 6,340 times a day to tell my Mom. It killed me the whole time to not be able to tell her and start discussing everything about our little baby. Buuuut, before I left, Dal and I decided we wanted to wait and tell them together (he was in Idaho with his family this weekend). So, we're waiting til Wednesday, when we're going to dinner with my family. I know, I know, it's only a week from when we ourselves found out... but seriously, you find out, and you're bursting with excitement. You just want to scream it from the rooftop and tell the whole world so everyone can party with you.

So, over the past couple of days, I have noticed a couple symptoms that I can now tie to the pregnancy. First of all, I have been exhausted. So, so exhausted. Each day, I have had the desire to take a nap atleast 5 times during the day and have had a hard time keeping my eyes open at several different points as well. I've found myself lacking my normal energy and only being able to carry on a 20 minute dance party, instead of my usual hour-long dance party.

Today, I felt nauseous on and off and got a bit nervous while sitting in church that I would vomit all over the nice Wyoming people around me. Thankfully, that did not happen. Crisis averted. It's only a matter of time though, im sure, until I puke in some type of public setting.

I'm home now and I just want to tell my parents so my mom and I can go crazy and shop for things and talk for hours and hug and cry and be excited together. Ugh. Wednesday. 3 days. I can do this. I'm also currently scouring Pinterest, trying to find a cute, non-cheesy way to tell my parents. No such luck as of yet, but I will find it.

In the meantime, here are some pictures of Wyominnn.

DAY 1

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Last night, my world changed. It changed with 2 lines. 2 lines, crossed over eachother on a little stick.

Dal and I have been married for 2 years and 10 months. I graduated from BYU in December. We have always, always wanted to have a baby... but decided it was best for us to wait until I was done and Dal had a stable job, and headway in his education career as well. So, the time came that we felt ready just a couple months ago. We were anxious and ready to switch to baby mode right away. But as soon as we were ready, things changed. I had to start going to the doctor to investigate a possible prolactin issue, which was causing my period (which has been regular down to the day since I was 12) to disappear. I was frustrated and upset and sad and confused and scared. The words "tumor" came up and I was terrified. This is a fear I've had since I was a little girl, a fear I'm sure many women have.... not being able to bear children. Other women who have had hiccuups in the conception process I'm sure can relate to the feelings of fear, doubting self-worth, insecurity, loss, and confusion.

The hardest part was that there were no clear answers... did I have an issue? or not? The answer always seemed to be: Wait. Wait another month. Wait a few more weeks. Then we'll know for sure. It was draining... And I completely recognize my waiting time was no where near the pain of the years many women endure, but I can tell you that though the time was relatively short, the pain was real and tangible.

I'm not sure what the issue was. I'm not sure why the Lord had a wait a few more months than planned. I'm sure there is a reason, a learning opportunity, a trial of faith. And if anything, I've learned about the power of fasting, of prayer, of staying close to my husband and bearing pains and burdens together, about the strength of the temple and of family and loved ones. I felt all of that in my little window of waiting.

I was supposed to have my period first week of June. And, as I expected, it didn't come. Another dagger to the heart. Another sign that something was wrong and the problem I had no answers about, was still there. I planned to call my doctors again and report the same news as the months before and schedule the next set of tests. To please them and remove other possibilities, I asked my husband last night to stop at the store and grab a couple pregnancy tests-- just so I could tell my doctor that once again, the test was negative, and my period was still gone.

Last night, my husband and I were just hanging out. Getting various things done around the house... Dal had picked up Father's Day Cards for our Dads and was sitting at the kitchen table, writing notes in them. I had to go to the bathroom so I took a test with me and went in. I had no expectations. The test was a formality, really. I peed on the stick. Casually, I picked it up and glanced at it before setting it back down to wash my hands. WAIT, what was that? I hadn't seen that symbol before. Second glance. 1 line. 2 lines. WHAT? My heart instantly began pounding and my breath became rapid and tears filled my eyes. I stared at the test and looked rapidly back and forth between the results and the key. 2 lines. Pregnant. 2 lines. Pregnant. 2 lines. Pregnant.

I could not believe it. I was not expecting this at all. I could hear Dal moving outside the bathroom, and I had to make a plan and quick. I shoved the cap back on the test, and hid it in my pocket. I wiped my eyes and took deep breaths. I have to slow down my heartbeat... If Dal touches me, he'll know. More composed, I stepped out of the bathroom and went to our bedroom, whistling (as if that would make me seem more normal and nonchalant... don't know why I thought to do this, I never whistle).

I made it to the bedroom and quickly threw the test into my purse. I had an idea for how to tell Dal. I would go to the store, pick up another Father's Day card-- this time, addressed to him. I just had to find an excuse to go to the store. I moved to the office, looking around at my desk and toiletries-- what can I use as an excuse to go to the store? I spotted my empty bottle of contact solution and had my excuse! But, I remembered, Dal stocked up on contact solution and bought a mega bottle of it at Costco. I went to the closet and pulled out the giant bottle, and hid it in our laundry hamper. Then I yelled to Dal, "Dal I have to go to the store, I'm out of contact solution." As I suspected, he heroically jumped up and marched to the rescue, reminding me that he is always prepared and had another bottle for me. He looked in the place it should have been and saw that it wasn't there. Confused, he agreed that I should go to the store. Phew.

In the store, I felt like I was floating. I don't really even remember walking down the aisles to where the cards were. I was shaking and half crying and smiling and laughing, all at once. I looked crazy, I'm sure. I picked a simple card, "Happy Father's Day, Husband!" and wrote a sweet note inside. The whole way home I was so, so nervous. Nervous and excited and I just couldn't wait to hug Dal.

I walked through the door and heard him get up from a chair in the living room. I threw the empty bottle of contact solution into my grocery bag, just so it looked like I bought one. Dal immediately looked at the bag and said, confused, "You bought another card?" I smiled and said "I found another one... it was really cute.... Just look at it and see who you think we should give it to." Dal hates writing in cards and he had just finished writing in the others. So at this point, he was quite annoyed. I just laughed inside. I handed him the envelope and tried to act casual, but I could feel tears welling up in my eyes already. He took the card out of the envelope and read the front. He looked confused at first, but then looked up with tears in his eyes and said, "Are you serious?"

Happiness. Excitement. Tears and tears and tears. It was one of my favorite, favorite moments with my best friend. Hugging and crying and laughing and so, so scared at the same time. We're going to be parents? Is this for real?

We both felt so grateful and happy. Neither of us saw it coming and it was the best surprise we've ever had. The rest of the night, Dal kept lovingly calling me his "Baby Mama," and I just felt so good looking at him and picturing him as a daddy. I know he'll be the best. We sat on the couch and tried to figure out when I'll be due... but we really have no idea how far along I am at this point. Could be 2-6 weeks. We'll see. :)

So today is Day 1. Day 1 of knowing that our sweet little precious babe is growing inside me. Day 1 of feeling that a women's body is truly a place where Heaven meets Earth. Day 1 of feeling the weight and fear of the responsibility of growing a human and being a parent. (That is serious stuff, right?) Day 1 of preparing, stocking up on diapers, planning the next 9 months. Day 1 of scheduling doctor's appointments. Day 1 of crying tears of joy and relief and hope. Day 1 of starting this journey as a MOM.